These 4 lines are a perfect, heartrending blank verse poem. I call it a win. And someone critiquing someone's first attempt at something? Beyond rude. We had a rule in Toastmasters -- the response to someone's first speech was ALWAYS to find as many things as possible to praise, and to find one thing that they could try next time, not something they'd done wrong, but something they hadn't done (commonly, remembering to write an introduction to the speech), held out as a stretch goal. Because the first time anyone does anything, the ONLY acceptable response is a variation on "You are so awesome for trying." Critiques can come later.